I can no longer stay in "hiatus" mode because this could take forever! For those of you who don't know Darren and I have been trying for a baby for about 4 years. As weird as it seems it doesn't feel like that long and I think the reason why is because we keep ourselves busy.
In these past years we have done pretty much everything under the sun to make this dream a reality but have not had much luck. This past November we did our last resort on the 'fertility checklist,' IVF. To say it lightly, it was an emotional roller coaster. The shots were the easy part, the waiting, hoping, doubts, that was the hard part. We found out a couple days before Thanksgiving in the In-N-Out drive thru we were pregnant! We were excited yet cautious at the same time because we were told our HCG level (which was 42) needed to double/triple in the next time I had my blood checked. Long story short it ended up at 302 and the nurse told me congrats and my next appointment would be to see the baby's heartbeat.
December 17th we went to the ultrasound appointment and to our dismay there was none. It was really hard but I half expected it. After so many years of trying it just seemed to good to be true. That may seem pessimistic but it is what it is. We were heartbroken but I knew with Darren I could get through it. Another long story short they couldn't find the "sac" anywhere and deemed it ectopic. I was given chemo shots twice to "kill it off." It seemed to be working but just when I thought it was going good On December 29th at about 12am I got a horrible pain and the next thing I knew I couldn't feel my hands or legs and Darren rushed me to the ER. My fallopian tube had burst and they had to take out my left tube. In a way it was a relief and as I feel a tender mercy of the Lord. It was starting to get hard to go into the doctor every few days to check my HCG levels. It was hard to see those happy hopeful couples sitting in the waiting room waiting for what I once had. I felt happy I didn't have to do that anymore.
I was telling Darren I thought if this was to happen I would be upset or question the Lord but I can honestly say I feel the opposite. I feel his love for me stronger then I ever have. I know the Lord does not want me to be unhappy. I know the Lord is not punishing me and I know my faith IS enough, it's just not my time. Why? I don't know but I know I am learning a lot along the way, and even though it's hard I am greatful to know I'm not alone in this. I know there is a bigger picture that I cannot yet see, I know I will be a mother one day and I am so blessed to have my rock of a husband to go though it all with; without him I my have a different post right now.
When are we going to try again? We don't even know and that's okay, but I promise you when we are pregnant you will all know but for now we are just going to live life to the fullest as we have always done and put baby on the back burner. Thank you all for your love and support through this time; I am blessed to have such amazing friends and family.
15 comments:
You & Dar are amazing people with amazing faith. You are such an example for us. There is no doubt you will get your family. With the determination you have I know it will happen, you guys deserve it. Love you guys!
Glad you are blogging again. Start put all the fun stuff you are doing while living your life to the fullest!!
Taylor, I love you and you are so amazing. I know things will work out and you are so awesome for staying being so positive. I am so sorry you have been going through so much. I am curious what all was going on in the In-n- Out drive-up :) Love ya!!
I have been through just a little bit of what you are going through. I am sorry about all that has happened. But, I am so happy for your out look. Who knows why things happen the way they do... We just keep rollin with the punches... and why not smile as we do it!
I have just been amazed with you and Darren through this whole period in your lives. You have remained so positive and I have seen how much you both love and support and lift each other through such difficult times - and your faith in the Lord has increased. I know you have such special spirits waiting to come to you - whatever way they come and whenever they will come. They will be such LUCKY kids to have you two as parents. We love you guys to pieces!!!
I think the world of you.
xo
Taylor, you are so inspiring. I've been there, but only to a small extent compared to what you've been through recently. You are super-woman. I've been watching for your update and hopefully when both our lives settle down a little we can get together. I swear, if it isn't one thing, it's another.
you go girl!
Who knows why this has to be a struggle. But you are doing it, you are handling it! I am happy you are enjoying life because life is meant to enjoy.
Now, I can say all of this because I 100% understand exactly what you are feeling. It will happen someday, somehow. It will. And you and I will rock the mini van but for now lets rock our little cars!
I love ya aylor Tay! Glad you finally wrote your feelings and experience down, I bet it helps.
I love that you are positive about a traumatic thing - I know from my own experience how hard it can be. It took us 8 years of marriage to get Lucy & honestly she came because of a major blessing (serving in our temple). I was given a blessing that if we served in the temple we would be given a baby ... we were within the 1st year.
I know we are all different & I don't go around telling people working in the temple will bring babies, but in our case that is what we needed as a couple.
You WILL be blessed with your own baby. Keep up the positive attitude, stay close to the Lord & stay busy like you said. Take advantage of traveling - that's what we did to take our minds off it. :)
Good luck little Taylor.
As I am sitting here getting teary eyed reading your post I am just thinking what an amazing woman you are.
Taylor, I feel so selfish! I've been meaning to call you for so long and I've just been busy. So lame of me. I will definitely get in contact with you soon.
I am so curious how this all started at In N Out. We will talk soon. Love you tons! (even though I'm so bad at showing it)
Love you girl!! I am always here for you!! MMMMMMMUUUAHHH XOXO :)
You and Darren are such amazing people! You both are such wonderful examples to me. The way you have dealt with this trial is so inspiring to me. When I look back on my similiar ordeal, I wish I would have had your positive attitude and faithful outlook on life.
I love you so much. My prayers are continually with you. SO HAPPY you are back in blogland, I've missed you!!!
i am so glad I decided to just "see" if you had posted anything! I LOVE YOU. I admire you. I am so blessed to know you. Our friendship is so important to me. thanks for your strength and example.
Oh Taylor, thanks for making me cry! You and Darren are so amazing. You are such incredible examples. I can't tell you how many people have commented on your amazing attitude. It is such a unique thing in this completely pessimistic world. You are the ultimate optimist. Thanks for sharing your life and being so inspirational.
Come visit me and my orange table anytime!!
Post a Comment